bal-last (noun) 1. Heavy material placed in the hold of a ship or the gondola of a balloon to enhance stability. 2. Coarse gravel or crushed rock laid to form a roadbed.
Still at this, hoping, crossing fingers that this will be picked up and noted in a search. It's been almost 4 months since the prior post, so we're trying again...
We are searching for someone named Alex, or rather hoping that Alex is searching for us/her. If you are this person: someone we believe to be involved in the field of psychology but have been hearing a voice in your head telling you there is someone out there named Janet, someone you are meant to find. If you live in Colorado in the Denver/Boulder area and believe you are to find the person with whom you have been having conversations in your mind, then you have come to the right place.
Let's get this show on the road, hop on the bus, ride on the peace train, for the love of god, already.
Contact me, Karin, c/o this blog, or Janet directly, via the links on this page if you are this person reading this and you KNOW it.
To add a little bit to this, here are some key words: healing construct, conversation, higher self, consciousness, twin flame, schizoid, multiple.
Sorry to anyone who might read this, god no, I am not a bot, I just regularly blog on Multiply these days and so this Ballast blog has fallen by the wayside. Oh and hell, I should have thought of this earlier, but email to my Yahoo address -- I think you will figure that one out. Okay, anyways, hope you are out there, please get in touch.
Oh and BTW, check into Sjogren's Syndrome as well, please.
So I have to laugh at how this blog has transformed since its inception almost, what -- four years ago? My how time flies and things change.
I realize I am on a path, and that this path is a kind of Story -- story as ballast as one of the theme of this blog. My friend, Janet and I would love to see aspects of a storyline fulfilled, of the path continuing below our feet in a way in which we thought the story arc would unfold. So once again i am back here, hoping that search engines will pick up some keywords and phrases and help this story to move along already; we have been waiting for a series of events in the rising action that will lead to a climax, and then denouement, and then into a new chapter, or even a new volume altogether.
We are searching for someone named Alex, or rather hoping that Alex is searching for us/her. If you are this person: someone we believe to be involved in the field of psychology but have been hearing a voice in your head telling you there is someone out there named Janet, someone you are meant to find. If you live in Colorado in the Denver/Boulder area and believe you are to find the person with whom you have been having conversations in your mind, then you have come to the right place.
Let's get this show on the road, hop on the bus, ride on the peace train, for the love of god, already.
Contact me, Karin, c/o this blog, or Janet directly, via the links on this page if you are this person reading this and you KNOW it.
Here is a bit of garbledegook on which the engines shall pick up, on which YOU shall pick up if you are this dude:
This is a search engine test because my blog is strangely not showing up on search engines. It's all the intros to my videos that aren't showing up on blog searches suddenly -- strangely they were a few days ago. Just trying to figure out what the hell Google is up to with their search engine. Just ignore. Stretching for a little more optimism here -- my path and process and lifetime integration continue to kick my ass a bit, but I'm stretching to look to the other side and see that there is purpose, order, structure and meaning to all of this. It helps when my anxiety is down and I got a bit more sleep. Wanting to really own my life and my process, but also wanting to just get the hell out of this place of introspection and find the other side -- a place where life moves forward and things just happen again, rather than this place of intense poring over every little thing. This song is another mood-suiter, and it's taking me back to the movie (Into the Wild), which I know tripped Karin and PJensi out in a pretty serious way. Alexander Supertramp (the name the protagonist chose for himself) was in this kind of place -- poring over the meaning of it all, integrating his young life, and finding some strength in stretching himself. I've had this one echoing around in my head recently -- popping up through all the rest of the noise going on there. It's Wednesday here, girls have the day off from school, so I'm up to my eyeballs in four- and seven- year- olds (well, yes, I only have one of each, but still -- way too many for a rainy day). Going to sneak down and hide in my room and take solace in my tarot deck -- Karin's passion has become completely addictive these days and I just can't seem to get enough. The future never comes any clearer, but I seem to be having a bit more insight on the present.This is a lovely song that I've been listening to on my shuffle since the summer. I don't know if the singer is known in the states -- she's an Israeli who has been quite popular in France. The video's a little quiet, but the song is quite beautiful -- wistful, sad and poignant -- just perfect for a rainy, dreary day like we're having here, and matching my mood pretty well, too. Kind of addressing the stuff I've been doing -- integrating that beautiful mess of my whole life into the present and finding meaning in all of it as I dive deep inside. I've been having plenty of conversations with the lovely Karinity lately about those tapes running in my head -- everything from all the subconscious encoding, leftover from childhood that is so freakin' difficult to change to the everyday noise noise noise that I just can't seem to get away from. Doing my best to detach from it these days, though I can't seem to make it quite go away. Haven't quit trying, but am having to just endure for the moment. In the meantime, this song is resonating with me. Posted this one a while back, but have really been feeling it again lately -- taking stock of my life and looking back over recent years and even as far back as my childhood -- have the feeling I'm integrating all kinds of experiences into my life more fully, and this song has resonated with me. Alanis just seems to have a flavor of song for my every mood. It's been a rough last couple of years for me, and this song has that feel to it, too -- a whole lifetime processed with the pain as a bit of a byproduct of that process. My own tapes are having their way with me, too, in the way they do with me... (how funny -- I just note that this vid is from somewhere called the "Control Room," LOL). It sucks having to work so hard to reprogram. But at least I am aware of it, conscious of the messages being old and worn tapes to begin with. Consciousness is a bitch, 'member? But membership does have its benefits, and I am trying to remember this as I deepen my understanding my own faulty programming. I have hope that while now it is such a battle to fight the faulty programming, the more my awareness of what the false messages are & recognizing them from the ground up, their origins up, I will one day be free of it all. The idea of freedom from them is so attractive right now, I am willing to go through the battle of picking apart each false note, each false jot of the many, many tapes in my head...(I am picturing myself being overtaken by an 8 Track come loose of its tape inside and it's binding me up, smothering me as I try to cut free... It's kinda funny and scary all-in-one... :D) Here's to Life on the Other Side, eh? *ching ching* Passive resistance, baby! I've tried it all, and this is the only thing that's ringing true and helping at all. Gotta dig in and don't let the bastards get you down. Non-engagement is the only thing that is keeping me out of those old emotional cycles of getting yanked all the freak around. Sigh. We'll see if it helps in the long-term, or if it's just helping me to feel less like the Universe's whipping boy. Toni Childs, Counting Crows, When All Is Said and Done, Dave Matthews Band, William Shatner, Common People, The Killers, Exitlude, Eddie Vedder, Alanis Morissette, Jack Johnson, Dido, White Flag, Damien Rice, Dogs, Blower's Daughter, Meredith Brooks, Bitch
Probably my most favorite author on the planet, or formerly of this planet as is the case, is Madeleine L'Engle. Without the words she penned, I would not be who I am, and I would have given up on a lot of life, maybe given up on life completely, had it not been for her and the things she wrote.
Once, in a book whose title I can't remember, she wrote about "story as truth." Stories are not "true" in that they are factual accounts of existing people and places (speaking of fiction here, BTW), but the tales that are told hold an essence more true and more real than if actual people had lived those tales.
As a component of fiction, I have also been thinking about the word "denouement," which in English means the "wrapping up" or ending of a tale told. In French, however, this word has its roots in the verb "to unravel." I have begun to think of stories now as an "unraveling" of knots created in the exposition, rising conflict, and climax. It is not a "tying up" but rather an "untying" of the conflicts created within the points in time called "a story."
My best friend and I were given a story a couple of years ago -- actually, it will be three years this January when the exposition of the story started. Various plot devices and conflicts have arisen since, and patiently both she and I have been waiting for the denouement, the unraveling, to occur to bring this particular portion of the tale to a close.
In that process, this first blog I started about four years ago has shifted from an examination of what brings us ballast to a Wanted Ad for someone named Alex. The two purposes compliment one another greatly, though. Even the title of the blog has taken on new meaning.
The story my friend and I were told, we have been led to believe, is actually true. We were told it was not fiction, yet it lies in the fictional realm until this grand denouement occurs. We don't exactly know what the unraveling is to be, except through a glass darkly. There are events that could take place, possible endings to the beginnings of a new story, but will they actually happen? In what order do they happen? And for God's Sake, WHEN? We thought that we would have the full picture of the ending of the story a full year ago, and yet I sit here and type a year later thinking, "How can it possibly be that it has taken as long as it has? Is the story even still true?"
Here is where it all connects: on some level the story is "true" whether it happens as a matter of course or not. There is truth in the essence of the story. However, this is one story I would dearly love to form itself into reality. It is of such great importance that the story unravel -- that it open and both end and begin -- because two women's understandings of life, the universe, and everything, and, most importantly, their futures depend on this tale merging itself into reality.
I have been posting things at this blog first of my own volition, and now at the beseeching of my friend. Somehow, some way this has to play a part in the denouement.
If you are reading and are a man named Alex in his mid-40s, probably living in the Denver-Boulder area, and you *know* about what I am writing here, PLEASE for the love of God write to me in care of this site. Contact me by commenting or sending a message. I am holding hope that the story is indeed true and that this blog, Looking for Ballast has a function and purpose which I originally did not intend, but which perfectly compliments the reasons I opened it. Janet and I are looking for ballast of the first degree, ballast of a primary importance, and we are wearing thin by the amount of time that has passed. Something MUST move and change to the unraveling. I post this with the hope that THIS brings it about.
I am out of cigarettes and checked my US bank account only to find that I am about $50 overdrawn at this point, and so I am chain chewing the Nicorette I bought for the flights I took to Paris in March and June of this year.
While I am waiting for some leftover chili to heat up, I am posting this Craigslist-esque ad as I am desperately seeking someone for someone else.
So once again I post (see here and the previous links on that blog, too), if you are a male in your mid-40s living in the Denver-Boulder area, have the name "Alex," "Alexander," or went by the nickname "Dane" at some point in your past (and evidently hated it), probably listen to KBCO and are perhaps a shrink or someone who works in a clinic or counseling capacity of some sort, there is someone named Janet who is wondering if you really exist or are a figment of her imagination.
We both have a lot riding on this, kind of like the meaning of life and whether it is worth living, so eh, you know, it would be good to know if you are "out there."
Please contact me in care of this site if you fit the description. Thankyouverymuchinadvance.
... someone maybe named Alex. See this previous post, please, if you are from the Denver/Boulder area, are a male in his mid-40's, and are looking for Janet who lives in France.
Oh man, if I would have known all the twists and turns my life has taken since beginning this blog. It is not easy being an intuitive, witchy kind of girl in the Wiccan sense and being told about conscious creation, deep sea diving, and Sunshine People. The Stories never quit, though, do they, and Story is a part of this blog, the genesis of it. Looking for ballast in life.
I would say that I have found ballast, but the ballast came at a high price and made the path even rockier it seems. The roadbed hurts under my feet at this point, and it seems like the never-ending-est walk I have ever taken. This beats an ultramarathon hands down.
I was convinced a FULL YEAR ago that big changes would have happened by now and been well over at this point. For me, they did get started a year ago, exactly in fact, but yet the more things change the more they stay the same, and my best diving buddy doesn't seem to be able to hang on much longer.
I am writing this with the hope that somehow things will change, that something amazing will move. This life constipation is just way more than I can take anymore, and the same for DB.
Please, oh please universe? Can you have some mercy?
Today's episode brought to you by the number series, 10-8-10 = 10 = 1, and it is yet another Yom Kippur to boot. Let's get this show on the road, already, people. WORD UP.
PLEASE READ THIS:
Alex, Janet is searching for you online and hasn't been able to find you. She is extremely concerned about your well-being, and has information that YOU NEED. Janet also has information about hidden assets and is anxious to turn this information over to you. She hopes that as soon as you are able to recover, you will contact her.
Please email in care of this blog and I will be sure she gets the information. PLEASE ANSWER.
______________________________________
This is a long shot.
I thought about creating a new Blogger blog, but somehow wound up here and decided that I might as well just post this here and cross my fingers.
I am helping a friend. She is looking for someone we think is named "Alex," who possibly had the disliked nickname "Dane" as a child, who is in his mid-40's and last we heard is located in the Boulder, Colorado area.
If you know someone who fits this description, or fit this description yourself, please send a message through this site, somehow, some way.
Here is a song I was given about a week ago, which I think fits the bill:
Check out the lyrics. This is for YOU, sweetie:
Going back to the corner where I first saw you, Gonna camp in my sleeping bag. I'm not gonna move, Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand, Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am, Some try to hand me money they don't understand, I'm not... broke I'm just a broken hearted man, I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do, How can I move on when I've been in love with you...
Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet, And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
So I'm not moving... I'm not moving.
Policeman says son you can't stay here, I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year, Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows, If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.
Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet, And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
So I'm not moving... I'm not moving.
I'm not moving... I'm not moving.
People talk about the guy Whos waiting on a girl... Oohoohwoo There are no holes in his shoes But a big hole in his world... Hmmmm
Maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved, And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news, And you'll come running to the corner... Cos you'll know it's just for you
I'm the man who can't be moved I'm the man who can't be moved...
Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet, And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street. [Repeat in background]
So I'm not moving... I'm not moving.
I'm not moving... I'm not moving.
Going back to the corner where I first saw you, Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.
If ANY of this rings a bell with you or someone you know, please, please for the love of god contact me or connect to Janet in the blogroll to the right. Please. Neither of us can take not knowing any more.
I just realized that I have been commenting using this profile quite a lot and that my last post was last October, and that perhaps I should post something new instead of just keeping the previous post hanging about. You know, give something that isn't... well, how to put this, maybe quite as ambiguous and more lighthearted than what was there before.
One of my problems with this blog (and it seems I have forty eleven of them out there) is that it is thematic, and therefore poses a problem in that I feel like I need to have each post be consistent with that theme.
So here's a little something I can put here for now, just so's I can get past last fall and press on to an ever-interesting future...
Summertime Ballast This summer so far I have actually discovered that sometimes ballast holds us back, and so I have rid myself of lots of it. I actually threw my copy of Milton into a dumpster in Dallas, for example. You know, I can find what I need online with most literature -- or from the library, so why keep it if it is weighing me down?
But on the good side of ballast, there's that which keeps me grounded and hopeful that I have a new day to look forward to -- that I am not stuck in ennui and entropy; in fact, there is movement, progress, creative construction of that roadbed and I am traveling far.
Love Incubus -- have for about seven years and this song is my Summertime Song. There's always one summertime song. This is mine for Summer 2007:
Great song, great video. I love the look and feel of the animation & the song rocks! Yeah, Incubus sounds a little overproduced sometimes, but I like their lyrics and music and overall sound, and this song smacks of summer for me.
Need I say more? And it's all my 11-year-old, who read it within 24 hours of buying it the first day it was out, can do to NOT tell me what has happened, although I overheard him talking to someone yesterday about it, and think I heard what happened. *sigh* Not gonna say. I'm about halfway through.
Summertime Drinks:
Cold Gin and Tonics & Jager Bombs (put 'em in the freezer for a little bit and they make a Slushy!) & Hard Iced Tea (although the Mike's sweetened black tea is not my favorite. I found a green tea one that's lots better, but I forgot who makes it).
Summertime Fun:
Boulder, Colorado Lodo, Denver
Soon to come: Mountain Trip, undetermined as-of-yet location, maybe Estes or Breck (fun, fun, fun!)
Okay - that's it. Ballast for this summer so far. Here's to summer...
